Enraged! Chapter 5

Chapter 5: All Love Loss, None Forgiven

Here I am halfway through these sessions, I’m sitting here feeling empty. Not one thing comes into mind. I’m starting to feel numb. I believe that I’m just used to being adjusted to accepting that my life is a big mess! That void of what I needed just disappeared after the very last situation sent me over the edge. I know you’re sitting here still trying to figure how a guy like me who has all these things going on and have yet to say anything positive about life? Well you know what, life has me all the way fucked up. These things are things that you cannot take back. It’s not that easy. No, I am not pointing the figure at anyone or anything. I just want the world to see and understand why I hate it so much! I want you to feel the way that i feel when I get out of bed and walk amongst this world that has turned upside down. See African males like myself are placed in society to where we are set up for failure. In order to be successful, you have to be placed in these stereotypes. I’m not athletic, i don’t rap, and you damn sure won’t see me selling anything on my body. And you also have other African Americans like myself who are quick to tear me you and their mama down if it got them to where they needed to be. That’s why i tell myself everyday, you can’t really fuck with your own damn people and you definitely cannot fuck with white people. Both sets are the biggest hypocrites that were placed on this earth. How the fuck are you going to say that I’m for my fellow people when you’re the fucking reason it is tainted to begin with. Shit this took me back to undergrad. Let’s see what I can dig up. Hmm...Prime example, during my undergraduate career, I had decided I wanted to pledge Sigma Epsilon Iota the most prominent Greek lettered organization for African American men on campus. The organization has tons of leaders on the campus that exemplified greatness ( or so they put on in front of people.) I had it in my mind that I wanted to be a Sig Ep, so I went to all of the events anonymously so that they would  notice in the crowd. I even ended up befriending one without even knowing it. They would come to my events that I had hosted with friends. I had everything they had and then some but I was humble enough to just chill. I never expressed interest whatsoever. I was very big at surprising people. So i kept it a secret for a long time just so that I could get to know these men that everyone talked about. Boy did they have me fooled. We literally hung out every single damn day. They were eating up my shit, confiding in me with secrets, and even telling me shit i shouldn’t have known yet. And there was the day, I went to the interest meeting. Thousands of men tried out and they had convinced me that they were alright guys just from hanging out with them. I get selected and I decided that I wanted to experience everything that i could about the organization and did any and everything with it. I know that I wanted to earn every bit of it because it was important for me to embrace what I had. Here’s where the fucked up part of it began. We were pledging for awhile and once the we are good and adjusted to the rules of pledging, shit changed. I understand you have to be firm but fair but it just seemed like they started to hate me because I was the strong. They accused me so much of not liking me after they knew how I was when they met me. They went out of their way to make sure I wasn’t taken care of like I knew i was supposed to be taken of. Nothing was being taught. I got accused of saying too much at a drunken party when I was not even drinking that night. Of top of that, they had managed to get into my line brothers head. He tried out five times so he would do anything to receive letters. He started getting more information than me, he was seen more than and i was damn stepchild left out to fucking dry. And I had the highest grade point average. Those motherfuckers should’ve been happy to have me especially when my gpa was killing their chapters gpa all together. I was harassed so much via social media, guess who and everything else that i had a fucking heartache. Do you know these “brothers” of mine didn’t even check on me? And have the nerve to tell me that I will be a disgrace when I have done nothing but do what was asked of me to do and then some. Then they had the grad chapter hating me over fabrications. And after shit hit the fan, they want to come apologize because the truth came out? Fuck You! I was hurt. Those wounds cut so deeply that I hated everyone. The fucked up part about it was that I fell out with someone who I called a best friend that was apart of my brotherhood. He wanted to fit in with niggas who talked about him. And now he wanted to mention brotherhood? They weren’t the ones who looked out for you Like I did. He turned his back on me when he knew I needed him the most? And they want to showcase to the world that they are about brotherhood, charity, love and faith? Get the fuck out of here! I have never talked or forgiven them since then. They hate me and I hate them. So much for unity right? I even tried to make it right by being the bigger person five fucking times and they took it and slapped me in the fucking face! Hypocrites! But I guess I’m the one that’s still in the wrong though right? Well you’re delusional as fuck. These are things that are held in. I should’ve never joined a fucked thing like this.