The Beast in Me: Chapter One: The Beginning

 “I cannot believe that this happened!” A few months ago my life went upside down. I was no longer this innocent being in the world. He was lying on the floor in cold blood, and you know what, I did not feel bad at all. What he put me through was the reason why I had so much hatred for him. We tried to be cordial, we tried to even be friends, but in the end all I saw was a snake who needed to be tamed. In my head, that’s what that bastard got for torturing me throughout this semester! I lost who I was, and became this monster. He created a beast who could not be tamed. But in order to understand why I felt this way, I need to just come clean, and tell this entire story that needs to be locked away forever. Let’s rewind back to a fall semester. It was my freshman year of college. I was super excited to leave that hell hole people say I called home. My high school years were the worst ever. Yes, I was an A Honor Roll student, I was super involved, but I still felt out of place. Everyone reminded of it when they used to say degrading things about me. I was an angry child because I never understood why god made me so different. The girls said I was too dark, too smart for my own good, and that I was not the type you wanted to marry. The guys thought I was too much of a “square”, and said I was gay making passes at me in the hallway and showing me their body parts in the stalls in the locker room.  All of it haunted me for years. I attempted suicide by slicing my wrists open, and it actually made me feel good about life. I thought before these bitches try to take that void away from me, I would do it myself. I did not know what I was thinking. In my head, if I were to bleed it would make people feel better because they did not have anyone to talk about anymore. I was the one person that everyone thought was weak until I fought back and told everyone to go to hell! I got side tracked, let me get back to the point! I came into this University, Brown State not giving a damn about making new friends, getting involved, and after exploring the campus I felt cheated. This was not what was put on the television screens when it came to advertising the school.  I was already over this school. We were in an urban area that consisted of the smell of weed every five minutes, sexcapades in the dorm rooms, fights and gunshots that broke out at any second, people getting killed behind the dormitories and bars like we were in a fucking prison cell! I was walking across the campus, and I was introduced to these group of young men. They seemed to nice, well spoken, and well put together. They belonged to an organization: Lambda Tau Upsilon. They were considered one of the greatest organizations of all time. As I was introduced to them, I was thoroughly impressed with everything they portrayed, and I initially got excited. I got invited to go out to this party, and they wanted to get to know me. I wanted to say no, but my professor insisted that I go especially since she thought I was interested.  So they introduced me to some more people and it did not click with me that these were their pledges that were to be introduced later in the semester. There was one person who I thought was all for the community, well put together, and well spoken. That was until I found out how much of a cunt he truly was! His name was Stephen. He was all in my face, telling me what I needed to do, who I needed to know, the hotspots around town, the “hoes” as he calls them, who I needed to become cool with and he wanted to show me the ropes around campus.  I am looking hesitant because I already don’t like people as it is but I gave him a chance. We eventually became acquaintances. Later that night, I went to the party, and there were other people who were also in this organization. One in particular had huge lips like soup coolers, wore bowties, and talked as if he was like a minister of some sort. He introduced himself to me as Harold. He came off very cocky, walked with his nose sky high, and arrogant. But everyone kissed his ass. I was not the one for kissing ass no matter who you think you are. I don’t have to say much for people to read my facial expressions. As the night went on, I managed to take a sip of alcohol to loosen my nerves because I was around people who I didn’t know. Some continued to guide me, tell me things they thought I should know because recruiting season was coming up soon. Other people just wanted to give these looks like who is this nigga coming into our shit! Not that I cared.  The crew as they called themselves introduced me to some of their girlfriends who were apart of Lambda Kappa Theta which was considered their “sister organization.” I was being polite although in my head I’m thinking, “Where did they find these bitches?” They had their noses stuck up, rude, did not even speak back when I spoke. It was all too much. They were not all that cute to be acting like they cannot even acknowledge or speak to anyone. One had a beak for a nose looking like motherfucking IT the clown, one was as big as a whale, and the other was looking like Miss Ciely from the Color People and just being extra has hell. But I kept all of this on the inside because I knew eventually I would have to see these people once again. After everything was said and done, Stephen felt like he should let me know to be careful of everything I do on campus because I was being watched at all times! I thought it was weird but I went along with everything. After all of that occurred, here I am five months later coming out of my shell a little and figuring out what was my next move on campus. I knew I wanted to be an educator because I felt like I had this gift of guiding the youth to the right direction. So I declared my major, and he pops up in one of classes. It was all too much to handle. I spoke, and he spoke and sat right beside me. Hey man, we need to hangout some more, and get you up there with the big dogs! But the only thing is this wardrobe, these glasses, and your friends may have to be canned. I never thought that I had to change who I was just to feel like I had friends or needed to be introduced to an elite circle of people. There were so many thoughts in my head, and I did not know what to say. What the hell was he trying to say? The days went by, and he kept nagging about every little thing that I did wrong and I eventually snapped. I told him if I needed to look or do this way just to fit your image then maybe this is not cut out for me after all. He tried talking to me and convincing me how this was a lifetime experience and the benefits behind being a part of something greater than myself. This is my undergraduate experience and I definitely wanted to live up my experience and steer away from the thoughts I had in the back of my head. So I moved on, and we started to hang out every day, and eventually we became very close friends. Yeah! Sounds crazy right? I said I was over giving people a chance because all they ever do is screw me over royally!  I thought I had someone that I could confide in. a few more weeks had passed, and he taught me everything I needed to prepare for a night I thought that I would never forget. It was “Rush” or informational night coming soon.  I definitely did not forget that night because this was the start of something that would linger forever. Looking back into everything, I felt like I got caught in this big ass web that I could not get out of. It became a nightmare that could not get off. No matter what I did, where I tried to go too, and what I thought, Shit just went left field! All because of this motherfucker trying to ruin my life! I am sorry! I am losing my mind right now. I need to keep a clear head to finish out these thoughts that run through my head. Let’s fast forward. This was approximately a month  later after we have hung out, became roommates, shared each  our darkest secrets with one another, and we were all very active on campus making positive names for ourselves. There were so many opportunities that were presented to me, and I even let my guard down after all of the things I had gone through in life. So he sent me a flyer that told me about rush or attending an informational session to join his organization. I did not know what to expect. I was nervous as hell! But he assured me that I would be ok!