Enraged! Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Bruised and Broken

I walked out of that session with

nothing being accomplished. I can’t believe that woman had the nerve to tell me about myself when she doesn’t understand the half of it stems from people like her. The people who are quick to judge you because of the way you are acting. Has anyone ever considered the fact that they had a part of the reason why I am this way!  As a result of the people who judged me I have become this person who is doesn’t sympathize with civilians in this society because no one ever sympathized with me. But I guess I don’t have a choice but to live in this shitty ass world and go to these shitty ass sessions. I can’t afford jail at the moment. But i hate going to this place. Let me get this over with already. So i walked back into the session and I’m still disconnected from whatever this woman has to say. She asked me what else caused these problems as if I’m some mental patient who has lost his mind! I felt like I had so many thoughts of so many people in my head who were dying to share their story. Ok let’s go a little deeper. She wanted to know everything. As much as I didn’t want to share I wanted her to understand that this will forever change me. Let’s see... let’s go back to the role models I thought Was supposed to protect me. I started going to church years ago because I wanted god in my life. I wanted to go because I felt like If I went god would send my father to me so he can raise me to be a man. I didn’t want to believe the word on the street that my father was a no good bastard that was just fertile. He didn’t claim me at all because my mother pissed him off so bad that he wanted nothing to do with her. And you know what, that man never came around but there was one man who I thought was the man i needed to look up too. He was a god fearing man with a nice wife, nice job, a preacher and had a child on the way.  That’s the ideal man I wanted to be in my mind. And there it was. He took me under his wing so that I could I could shadow him. You just don’t know how that made me feel. I finally had a father figure that I could call pops! He helped me find everything I needed and we spent a lot of time together. I didn’t realize that behind every good thing there was bad intentions. The man became obsessive of everything that I had done after he did all of these things for me. I thought that was what fathers were supposed to do. Give tough love, help out and be there. Hell i didn’t know because my father wasn’t around. And it all went downhill after that. The crazy thing was I looked up to that man so much because i didn’t have any other male role models to look up too! We were at his house one night. His wife was gone. The house was empty. I was watching television and I was eating dinner. As soon as I was finished I wanted him to take me back home because I had a bad day and I needed to cool off. As I was getting ready to walk out of that Door he became angry because i didn’t want to talk. He grabbed me, threw me on the couch, beat my ass with a belt, and proceeded to violate me in the worst way. He said that that was tough love and that’s how it was going to be until i acted like a man. How can someone who you’ve looked up too so much violate you . What man takes another mans manhood when he is supposed to be of god and in the church? I Never told anyone about this because I didn’t have anyone to talk too! And you sit up here and tell me i have no right to be angry at the world? You got it all wrong. I get mad thinking about this shit over and over again because I had to

Hold it in. It is these motherfuckers around here that owe me the motherfucking world! I hurt everyday because someone I trusted violated me. It didn’t make me want men or make me sexually frustrated. It made me angry because i didn’t do anything to deserve the shit that was dealt to me. Who does something like that? I was 22 and trying to figure out my damn life! But this is too real for you now. You sit there and write shit down with a pen and think that you know everything well bitch you don’t know a damn thing! I’m sure she didn’t have any other questions for me today. Hell i didn’t want to share. But when you are enraged, everything comes out. And there’s no telling what will happen next. Who knows?