Enraged! Chapter 8

Chapter 8: A Soul Broken 

I finally woke up from being in a coma. They told me the bullet missed my brain by a small inch. It could’ve killed me. Don’t they get that I wanted to die. I’m living in hell and I couldn’t get out of it. I’m sure you’re thinking that Im one fucked up individual and that I needed to be locked away. But I’m already locked away In my mind. I’m mentally checked out from the world because it doesn’t have anything to offer me. Nothing but pain & suffering. God had created me to be this walking person that was meant to only be tormented? That happily ever after shit only works for other people. But hey, who am I to say anything? I sat in that bed and thought of ways to escape this hell. They watched me so closely to where I couldn’t move. They sent the pastor in to pray over me but I told him to get the fuck out of my room because pastors couldn’t tell me shit after took the only thing sacred from me. I wasn’t even a man anymore.They just don’t know what it is like to feel like the pride and spirit being taken from you. So the god he claimed he wanted to send in my heart died that moment when i felt like he didn’t protect me.  I shut down and didn’t talk to anyone for months! I had to leave that hospital room and be checked into a psychiatrist home. Hell i know i wasn’t crazy! I was fucking angry! I was enraged at life! Until you have walked in my shoes you can’t tell me how to feel. Every time someone snaps the first thing they say is that he’s crazy! Hell No! What’s crazy is me believing that i could trust and be a. Good citizen and getting fucked over. And no one had the nerve to give me a genuine apology! But we can do that anymore. I will forever be trapped in this world of frustration and pain. I will forever live in this world , in this home broken. And no can ever save me from the hell im living in my own mind. I will never be able to forgive those people and i hope they all rot in hell with me. Because if I could kill them all I would because the world owes me every fucking bit of an apology.  Eventually my body was alive but my soul was dead. And that’s how I ended up here in this place. Never get to the point to where I am because being enraged is a full time job. 

Enraged! Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Revenge is A Dish Served Cold 

All I can think about are the flashbacks that play through my mind of the issues I have with everyone. My mind and heart are filled with bitterness, sadness, frustration, rage and disappointment. I had to sit and create a mental note of who I needed to put on my hit list. I can hear those voices in my head telling that what I needed to do was make this list In the order of the events it occurred. Hell all I wanted was revenge. They were on some other shit. I didn’t care to hear what was right about anything of this because when I do what I need to do I will feel better than I had ever felt before. Let’s see, What can I do first? Hmmm yeah, I think I need to pay a visit to that bitch who thought it was cute to fuck that couple in my bedroom in our home. Let’s give her a taste of her own medicine shall we. I could feel the embarrassment all over again! The city knew all of my business and all she can say was I’m sorry it happened. Bitch should’ve known you don’t fuck me over and think you will get away with it. I decided print all of those nude pictures she ever sent me and place them all over Town with the caption, “ Free Pussy to those who need it!” “if you need it you can find it at this address.” Why not? She was a slut anyway! To add more to it, I will even release a sneak peek of what she does when I’m away. I had a soldier to send me a fucking video of her being ran through the her entire unit and enjoying it at that! What kind of woman puts herself out there like that but pretends to be this perfect

Woman? I tell you who, this cunt! I know her parents were rolling over in their graves to have birth such a pretentious whore! And to think that I  actually wanted that bitch! Yeah she can sue but I can counter sue for the shit she put me through. You just don’t know all of the pain she put me through! I feel a sense of relief let the world know she was classless, two timing, money hungry slut that only cared about herself. She never considered my feelings at all! She’s checked off of my mental list! The next person on my list is those bastard fraternity brothers that did me wrong! I despise the ground they walk on. They think that they are untouchable but tonight we are going to play a little game! I had to grab some rope, a pole stick, my gun, duck tape, recorder, spray and figure out their location. I knew they had to be at the Fraternity house because today is our 231 anniversary for being on campus! But tonight we are celebrating the truth finally coming to the fore front. It’s time To stop with the fucking lies and tell the damn truth. They had an entire campus fooled about who I was and who they were, and I’ve had enough. I decided to drive up to the house and wait for the perfect timing to throw the bomb spray so that I could make my move. It happened to be when those bastards were drunk! So it was time to throw it. Once it landed I knew it would make them pass out. I carried all four of them and tied them to a tree in the woods. When they woke up they screamed like some bitches! I asked them to give one good reason why I shouldn’t fuck their entire life up after they’ve ruined me and scarred for the lies and the torture they put me through.  Do you know they couldn’t even give me a legit answer until I started fucking some shit up! I beat the fuck out of all of them until they could barely move. You guys could not even find a legit reason to hate me. The words that came out of their mouths were i had a strong personality and I never broke down and wanted to be like them. Of course i didn’t because I am my own fucking person! I just wanted to bring my skills to this organization and you basically told me I wasn’t shit or welcomed yet I wear the same letters as you. Fuck you guys! I should just fucking shoot you all where you stand. I got this rush in my body that I knew was dangerous. I wanted them to hurt like I did. I wanted to them to feel like they wanted to be dead like i did when they ridiculed me for not being like them. They tainted my own belief that brotherhood was something that was given but in this case brotherhood is pain. Something not real anymore. And the one who was my best friend fucked me over the most. I put that gun in his mouth because I wanted him to taste fear! He needed to see what it felt like to be crushed. But then the police, my counselor and my mother showed up to convince me that it will be ok. First of all, why the fuck would I listen to my mother when she caused this pain too. She didn’t know that she I know she told the family that she didn’t really want me. So why the fuck was she here? All of that pain lead up this! I wanted to be free of pain. This was the only way I had known to set myself free. But after realizing that they wouldn’t allow me to get my revenge my only way out was to talk to god. But in my mind god didn’t like or love broke people like me. He only curses me because I’m different. I hear voices tell me god doesn’t like people like us. We burn in hell. I’m already half way there living on this earth anyway. As I’m thinking, they’re screaming and I se the officers pointing their guns at me. So I did them a favor. I shot myself in the head hoping that I would set myself free. But god had other plans I guess. I was taken to the hospital and put on watch for awhile. I didn’t feel anything but I wanted to be set free from it all. 

Enraged! Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Taken For Granted

It has been a good six weeks of sessions and this marks my final day of seeing this counselor. I’m relieved that I can finally move on with my life.  Honestly, she didn’t teach me a damn thing but how to hold it in. I’ve told most of the things I wanted her to know hoping she would leave me alone. I’m literally drained from being in this small room, sitting on this small couch, and talking to her small minded ass about big things. I hope the judge can see that I’m not crazy. Everyone thought i had lost my mind because I had a big altercation at work where I blacked out. I didn’t want it to go that far and they claimed I wasn’t acting like myself. He sued me and we had to go to court. And boom, this is how I ended up here with all of you listening and judging my life and why I’m pissed off with the world. I really don’t know where this will take but I do know that this will forever haunt me for the rest of my life. I’m walking back through these doors and as I walk in, I see all of these chairs in the room. What is really going? This counselor says today is a big intervention. I don’t need a fucking intervention. I am perfectly fine. Has she ever heard of hurt people hurt people? That’s what it was? As I’m sitting here waiting on this intervention, I see people walking in. This bitch brought everyone who has managed to fuck me over in one room. Do you know what this shit can do to a person? I felt chills going down my body. I felt like I could beat the shit out of all of them because of the way they hurt me. I wish this bitch would stop digging in my past because I didn’t want to relive this shit again! I’ve done enough over the years to put that behind. She proceeds to say in order for me to get out of here, I had to confront everyone in this room. I had to sit there and listen to everyone feed this woman bullshit. Reverse psychology is a motherfucker and today I wasn’t having it. I went off on everyone in that room. They didn’t deserve any type of apology yet along be in the same room as me. My ex is a slut that can’t keep her panties dry, me ex best friend is a meth taking, disloyal faggot who would do anything for money & power, my mom was a just a lying ass trifling deadbeat that was using me for child support checks, free meals and never wanted me to succeed,  I see the bastard who took advantage of me because i didn’t have my father in my life and you mean to tell me that I’m the fucked up person in this room? Clearly you don’t know me well enough. I am the victim in this matter. I am the one who has to pick up the motherfucking pieces that were shattered from my childhood until now.  She didn’t know what it was like to be without food, a home and job because you had to sleep with people to get by! On top of that, i have to deal with all of this while being black! That’s a everyday struggle. I’m sick of all of this shit. I am fucking done. If no one wants to listen to me then I’ll take matters into my own hands! I stormed out of that room mad as hell! I just needed a release. I managed to drink up 6 bottles of vodka, smoke a 10 pound bag of weed, shoot some pool and allow myself to get it together. I still can’t believe this bitch would set me up like that. I had my friends in mind telling me that I needed to get her for what she did to me! She damaged me even more. I actually thought she would bring out the good in me. Instead , she made my bad become worse! I’m still not crazy though. I just want revenge. I want everyone to feel the pain I felt when they did what they did to me! Those friends in my mind were telling me to take back what was mine. I don’t have any compassion, love, or relief. And they won’t either! 

Enraged! Chapter 5

Chapter 5: All Love Loss, None Forgiven

Here I am halfway through these sessions, I’m sitting here feeling empty. Not one thing comes into mind. I’m starting to feel numb. I believe that I’m just used to being adjusted to accepting that my life is a big mess! That void of what I needed just disappeared after the very last situation sent me over the edge. I know you’re sitting here still trying to figure how a guy like me who has all these things going on and have yet to say anything positive about life? Well you know what, life has me all the way fucked up. These things are things that you cannot take back. It’s not that easy. No, I am not pointing the figure at anyone or anything. I just want the world to see and understand why I hate it so much! I want you to feel the way that i feel when I get out of bed and walk amongst this world that has turned upside down. See African males like myself are placed in society to where we are set up for failure. In order to be successful, you have to be placed in these stereotypes. I’m not athletic, i don’t rap, and you damn sure won’t see me selling anything on my body. And you also have other African Americans like myself who are quick to tear me you and their mama down if it got them to where they needed to be. That’s why i tell myself everyday, you can’t really fuck with your own damn people and you definitely cannot fuck with white people. Both sets are the biggest hypocrites that were placed on this earth. How the fuck are you going to say that I’m for my fellow people when you’re the fucking reason it is tainted to begin with. Shit this took me back to undergrad. Let’s see what I can dig up. Hmm...Prime example, during my undergraduate career, I had decided I wanted to pledge Sigma Epsilon Iota the most prominent Greek lettered organization for African American men on campus. The organization has tons of leaders on the campus that exemplified greatness ( or so they put on in front of people.) I had it in my mind that I wanted to be a Sig Ep, so I went to all of the events anonymously so that they would  notice in the crowd. I even ended up befriending one without even knowing it. They would come to my events that I had hosted with friends. I had everything they had and then some but I was humble enough to just chill. I never expressed interest whatsoever. I was very big at surprising people. So i kept it a secret for a long time just so that I could get to know these men that everyone talked about. Boy did they have me fooled. We literally hung out every single damn day. They were eating up my shit, confiding in me with secrets, and even telling me shit i shouldn’t have known yet. And there was the day, I went to the interest meeting. Thousands of men tried out and they had convinced me that they were alright guys just from hanging out with them. I get selected and I decided that I wanted to experience everything that i could about the organization and did any and everything with it. I know that I wanted to earn every bit of it because it was important for me to embrace what I had. Here’s where the fucked up part of it began. We were pledging for awhile and once the we are good and adjusted to the rules of pledging, shit changed. I understand you have to be firm but fair but it just seemed like they started to hate me because I was the strong. They accused me so much of not liking me after they knew how I was when they met me. They went out of their way to make sure I wasn’t taken care of like I knew i was supposed to be taken of. Nothing was being taught. I got accused of saying too much at a drunken party when I was not even drinking that night. Of top of that, they had managed to get into my line brothers head. He tried out five times so he would do anything to receive letters. He started getting more information than me, he was seen more than and i was damn stepchild left out to fucking dry. And I had the highest grade point average. Those motherfuckers should’ve been happy to have me especially when my gpa was killing their chapters gpa all together. I was harassed so much via social media, guess who and everything else that i had a fucking heartache. Do you know these “brothers” of mine didn’t even check on me? And have the nerve to tell me that I will be a disgrace when I have done nothing but do what was asked of me to do and then some. Then they had the grad chapter hating me over fabrications. And after shit hit the fan, they want to come apologize because the truth came out? Fuck You! I was hurt. Those wounds cut so deeply that I hated everyone. The fucked up part about it was that I fell out with someone who I called a best friend that was apart of my brotherhood. He wanted to fit in with niggas who talked about him. And now he wanted to mention brotherhood? They weren’t the ones who looked out for you Like I did. He turned his back on me when he knew I needed him the most? And they want to showcase to the world that they are about brotherhood, charity, love and faith? Get the fuck out of here! I have never talked or forgiven them since then. They hate me and I hate them. So much for unity right? I even tried to make it right by being the bigger person five fucking times and they took it and slapped me in the fucking face! Hypocrites! But I guess I’m the one that’s still in the wrong though right? Well you’re delusional as fuck. These are things that are held in. I should’ve never joined a fucked thing like this. 

Enraged! Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Mixed Emotions 

I had to take a deep breath from the past three sessions. It took too much time and energy to allow myself to tell this counselor everything she wanted to know. The judge knows he is wrong for this. Why must he continue to put me through this torture of a session. Reliving the hell I went through only makes the fire in me worse! Here I am sitting at home drinking a bottle of vodka, smoking some kush, and just watching everyone pass by all happy and shit. My happily ever after is actually happily never disaster. No one cares about that though.  At this point I’ve stopped believing that anyone could ever really love me because I’m too damaged to be cared for. But that’s just how Life is! The world will never know what it’s like to be a broken criminal in your mind. Nothing good ever comes out of the feelings of betrayal, hurt and deceit. But let’s get off of this. I need to get myself prepared for yet another session with this counselor I’m tired of seeing!  As I walk back in this room I’m already annoyed. This bitch always got some slick shit to say! I felt judged being in this room. What else could she possibly want to know about my life that’s not that exciting to begin with? Here she goes. She wants to know about my friendships I had with people. Why is she so damn nosy? I didn’t want to relive this moment. But hey I’m already here right? So here it is. I had a best friend of 8 years. His name was Danny. We did everything together. I was there when his son was born, the day he got married to that snow bunny despite his family disapproving, there when he was in rehab for the drug problems and the list goes on. I thought that we would be close forever. You would think that your best friend wouldn’t backstab you the way that he did me. That son of a bitch had the nerve to do the one pet peeve I despise. But I still cared about that nigga! I can never forgive him though. So basically we started hanging out every single day. We talked about every single secret that we ever had. I gave him my very last. There were times where he would tell me his family were without lights and I would take care of any problem they had because he was my homie! I’m the type of person to where I’m loyal until the end. But that all went out of the door when he pulled the shit that he pulled. He ended up doing credit card scams. He stole my identity and started using my name to steal money off of people’s credit cards and placed it in my bank accounts. Then when the police contacted him he threw me under the bus knowing damn well I had nothing to do with it. Because of him I almost had to do time behind bars because he wasn’t man enough to even tell the damn truth. I had to spend almost 10,000 dollars just to get my name cleared. You know that the motherfucker  couldn’t even look in my face and tell me he did the shit! If I was that lowdown, I could’ve told his wife how he was fucking her baby brother in their own home. Yeah he was closeted. I kept all of this dirty little secrets because he was my supposed best friend. Fuck him. He just played me for a fool and he didn’t even attempt to make things right. This is way I have a hard time liking people. Because the minute you give an inch they take a mile. Gosh this is getting hard! Can you just stop asking me questions? I’m getting angry all over again. I know you probably think that I’m overreacting but this aggression has been built up for awhile. I hate life. I hate people. I hate being vulnerable. I just hate that I once cared. I really cared about people. But people never cared about me genuinely. 

Enraged! Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Bruised and Broken

I walked out of that session with

nothing being accomplished. I can’t believe that woman had the nerve to tell me about myself when she doesn’t understand the half of it stems from people like her. The people who are quick to judge you because of the way you are acting. Has anyone ever considered the fact that they had a part of the reason why I am this way!  As a result of the people who judged me I have become this person who is doesn’t sympathize with civilians in this society because no one ever sympathized with me. But I guess I don’t have a choice but to live in this shitty ass world and go to these shitty ass sessions. I can’t afford jail at the moment. But i hate going to this place. Let me get this over with already. So i walked back into the session and I’m still disconnected from whatever this woman has to say. She asked me what else caused these problems as if I’m some mental patient who has lost his mind! I felt like I had so many thoughts of so many people in my head who were dying to share their story. Ok let’s go a little deeper. She wanted to know everything. As much as I didn’t want to share I wanted her to understand that this will forever change me. Let’s see... let’s go back to the role models I thought Was supposed to protect me. I started going to church years ago because I wanted god in my life. I wanted to go because I felt like If I went god would send my father to me so he can raise me to be a man. I didn’t want to believe the word on the street that my father was a no good bastard that was just fertile. He didn’t claim me at all because my mother pissed him off so bad that he wanted nothing to do with her. And you know what, that man never came around but there was one man who I thought was the man i needed to look up too. He was a god fearing man with a nice wife, nice job, a preacher and had a child on the way.  That’s the ideal man I wanted to be in my mind. And there it was. He took me under his wing so that I could I could shadow him. You just don’t know how that made me feel. I finally had a father figure that I could call pops! He helped me find everything I needed and we spent a lot of time together. I didn’t realize that behind every good thing there was bad intentions. The man became obsessive of everything that I had done after he did all of these things for me. I thought that was what fathers were supposed to do. Give tough love, help out and be there. Hell i didn’t know because my father wasn’t around. And it all went downhill after that. The crazy thing was I looked up to that man so much because i didn’t have any other male role models to look up too! We were at his house one night. His wife was gone. The house was empty. I was watching television and I was eating dinner. As soon as I was finished I wanted him to take me back home because I had a bad day and I needed to cool off. As I was getting ready to walk out of that Door he became angry because i didn’t want to talk. He grabbed me, threw me on the couch, beat my ass with a belt, and proceeded to violate me in the worst way. He said that that was tough love and that’s how it was going to be until i acted like a man. How can someone who you’ve looked up too so much violate you . What man takes another mans manhood when he is supposed to be of god and in the church? I Never told anyone about this because I didn’t have anyone to talk too! And you sit up here and tell me i have no right to be angry at the world? You got it all wrong. I get mad thinking about this shit over and over again because I had to

Hold it in. It is these motherfuckers around here that owe me the motherfucking world! I hurt everyday because someone I trusted violated me. It didn’t make me want men or make me sexually frustrated. It made me angry because i didn’t do anything to deserve the shit that was dealt to me. Who does something like that? I was 22 and trying to figure out my damn life! But this is too real for you now. You sit there and write shit down with a pen and think that you know everything well bitch you don’t know a damn thing! I’m sure she didn’t have any other questions for me today. Hell i didn’t want to share. But when you are enraged, everything comes out. And there’s no telling what will happen next. Who knows? 

Enraged! Chapter 2

Chapter 2: This Pain Inside of Me

So here I am, back in this damn office! I still have all of these sessions to do with this lady who is looking at me crazy! She has the nerve to tell me that I should think happy thoughts but I seldom remember the happy thoughts. I’m looking at her like didn’t hear any motherfucking thing I said? The world made me this bitter ass person that makes me want to just want to spit venom! Here goes the counselor with the bullshit. She had the nerve to ask me if I ever let anyone in love me whether it be a best friend or a significant other. No lie, I was trying to find myself in this journey of love at one point in time. I did love one person but that person

Just tore me a new one! I thought I knew what love was but love was a motherfucker I tell you! Well she wants to know more about  “Love” so let’s talk about it.  At that point in life I wanted to feel love in anyway possible but I didn’t know how to Love because i never knew how it felt. That was until I discovered who I was. There was this beautiful woman sitting in front of me! Everything about her sparked a fire inside of me. It wasn’t her looks that took my breath away! She was very intelligent, had a strong personality, and the funny thing about it was she approached me. Who would think a woman would approach a man? It is usually the other way around!  But she did and since that day we met we were inseparable! When I tell you she was my everything, she was my everything. We would go out and just explore the world. We went to Japan, Mexico, Germany, And the list goes on.  We met each other’s parents and they initially loved us both. Of course in every relationship you have your problems. But I thought you were supposed to work those situations out or at least try to make it work. The situations started small. She used to lock her phone up, sneak into the living room to have these long conversations with her “best friend”, start arguments so that she could leave the house, and my ass would sit there and bite my tongue because I worshipped the ground she walked on. When you’ve given someone so much of your time, energy, love, money etc.. you would think that would suffice you being together forever right? Don’t get me wrong I’ve done some pretty fucked up things in this relationship, but the one thing I would never do is crush the heart of the one you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Here is the breaking point In this situation. She gets sent off to the military and years fly by. I’ve noticed a big change in her when she got home. At this point in my career, I’ve worked so hard so that we didn’t have to worry about finances, our house was paid for cash, and we could travel the world and start a family. I even picked out a ring! When I asked her to marry me, she said yes but i instantly felt like there was a slight disconnect. And that’s where shit went left! It was Valentines Day. The day that was supposed to be about love. But now it is a day that I wish would just disappear and never return.  I had a big night planned. I was about to set up our home with a bunch of things but then I heard something upstairs. As I go upstairs and open the bedroom door my heart sunk. The woman that I loved was in the bed with another man and his wife! I had lost my motherfucking mind. How can this bitch say she loves me and wants to be with me when she’s the slut of the town! I had defended her because she was my woman and this is the shit I get in return? Oh no! Someone will have to pay for this. They had 2.5 seconds to get the fuck out of my house before i set the bitch on fire with them in it! Ever since then my mind was all fucked up. I didn’t want to love anymore. That made my hate for the world that much stronger. So how can you tell me I have a problem when the world is the fucking problem! I’m the only mother fucker with some sense in this world that fucks you with no Vaseline. The counselor now wants to say, well maybe you should should open yourself up more and allow more love to come in place of that? My instant reaction was, BITCH! Did you not hear what the fuck I just said? Don’t try to feed me this reverse psychology bullshit. I got my degree in this field. You can say that because you have the perfect life. My life has been nothing but shambles and lies! I’m mad as hell and there’s nothing that can change that. And you still don’t know the half of what my life really is! So until you’ve fully walked in my shoes just shut the fuck up and listen to what i have to say. I’m walking out of this session! Bye bitch! 

Enraged! Chapter 1

Chapter 1: You Can’t Define Me

No one understands how you really feel until you become enraged, angry, mad, hurt and it all builds up and then you explode. The crazy thing about it is that once you explode you become the bad guy. Why is it that when you retaliate, you’re the asshole? But the asshole may have gone through several things that pushed him to the fucking edge! I’m sitting here in a cell awaiting on the day where I can set myself free. No, I’m not talking about a jail cell. It’s the cell in my head that has lead me to the hell in my heart that wrecked havoc amongst the people who’ve made me this way! I feel trapped in a world where you do so much for others but they end up fucking you over in the end? And you know what, I’ve had enough. I want to get back at every motherfucker that did anything to me. I’m mad as fuck!!!! I’m trapped in this world to where I have to keep my mouth closed because of my position? No! Fuck that! Mind you while all of this is going on I’m trapped in a therapy room with a bitch that thinks she knows how to diagnose me. No Bitch, I’m not crazy! I’m fucking angry! She just asked me what makes me angry? I’m sure you want to know too right? Well let’s go back to where shit just went left!  It all started when I was young! I remember being put in a household where I knew I was raised differently. We lived in the middle of no where where everyone knew everyone and everyone claimed to be related. Nosy ass neighbors would want to know every damn thing that took place in the community. On top of all of that, I was raised in somewhat of a family that looked friendly to others but I knew how vindictive they were to put up a front so that they can keep up appearances to people. My family was very well off and had several businesses that were going for themselves. There was this lady that adopted me name Roberta Flapp. She was my aunt. She only took me in because my mother dropped me off on the doorstep and never came back! I believe she took her anger out on me since my mother wasn’t around for her to take her anger out on. I grew up around my cousins since I was the only child. They got praises for being athletes, cheerleaders, etc... I only wanted to focus on academics to take my life the next step further. Throughout that phase, I believe that anger came through me that day my no good ass mother left me on the doorstep and she took off. She made me hate parents for the simple fact that she couldn’t do what was right and keep me. Did she not know how angry and sad that could make a child feel? To hear your mother tell you all of these promises for it to all be some bullshit in the end? No you wouldn’t. Because in your mind,I was with a family with a lot of money. Fuck the money. All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me and be there unconditionally through it all! But instead she left me in a place where I was mentally abused every single day. But you want to say I’m crazy, right? As I continue to lay on this couch listening to the some of the things you think I want to hear, I want you to continue listening to what I have to say! Now where were we? Oh yes, where I was at that young stage in life. That was only a piece of everything I let build up inside of me. At the point, I just had to learn how to deal, take the hit and make it work. I would say I was well off in school especially since school was my safe haven from a place that I called hell which was home. That was my only piece of mind because i felt like school was the only thing that really loved me. Not the people who were there but the love of learning loved me. I told myself that no matter what I would always love to come and learn. During that time in school I got picked on for being different. I only got along with adults. My peers would tell me I was too different. I had soup coolers, too dark, no one would ever want me because of how I looked? I started to believe it because I wanted to be accepted so bad. Who wouldn’t want to be accepted in a world where people were living in a cold harsh environment and no one to talk too? Does this sound someone who is crazy? Or is it because it’s someone who wants revenge. I want people to get what they deserve because those bastards cut me so deep that I’m angry. They don’t know a lot of the words that came from their mouths effected how i felt about myself all of my life. That can fuck with someone’s mind! On top of those feelings, I was fighting with myself on who i really was and what I wanted in life. My emotions were so messed up that I went into a dark place. I found myself cutting and slicing my wrists just so that pain I felt on the inside would disappear. I felt like my purpose was nonexistent. I felt like if i were dead this world would be a better place.  My anger burns deeper than what you think. I used to be very sad and insecure when I was younger and because of that i have no sympathy for anyone in this world because no one showed me any form of sympathy when I was hurting! And you want to sit here and try to make me feel less of a person because I have this much hate for a fucked up country we call America? But I’ll finish this session and we can continue this shit tomorrow. I know if i don’t continue this session I’m liable to be locked up soon! But after those three times I tried to take my own life because of the things i thought about in my head, I tried to overdose on the execedrin in the cabinet in the bathroom. I was unconscious for about 48 Hours. My family was there at the hospital but I knew deep down inside they didn’t give a fuck about me anyway. I never got that affection I felt like a child should have. At this point, I was numb. I went through the counseling sessions and I got better at the moment. But that’s all of the time I have for today. I’ll come back tomorrow!