Enraged! Chapter 1

Chapter 1: You Can’t Define Me

No one understands how you really feel until you become enraged, angry, mad, hurt and it all builds up and then you explode. The crazy thing about it is that once you explode you become the bad guy. Why is it that when you retaliate, you’re the asshole? But the asshole may have gone through several things that pushed him to the fucking edge! I’m sitting here in a cell awaiting on the day where I can set myself free. No, I’m not talking about a jail cell. It’s the cell in my head that has lead me to the hell in my heart that wrecked havoc amongst the people who’ve made me this way! I feel trapped in a world where you do so much for others but they end up fucking you over in the end? And you know what, I’ve had enough. I want to get back at every motherfucker that did anything to me. I’m mad as fuck!!!! I’m trapped in this world to where I have to keep my mouth closed because of my position? No! Fuck that! Mind you while all of this is going on I’m trapped in a therapy room with a bitch that thinks she knows how to diagnose me. No Bitch, I’m not crazy! I’m fucking angry! She just asked me what makes me angry? I’m sure you want to know too right? Well let’s go back to where shit just went left!  It all started when I was young! I remember being put in a household where I knew I was raised differently. We lived in the middle of no where where everyone knew everyone and everyone claimed to be related. Nosy ass neighbors would want to know every damn thing that took place in the community. On top of all of that, I was raised in somewhat of a family that looked friendly to others but I knew how vindictive they were to put up a front so that they can keep up appearances to people. My family was very well off and had several businesses that were going for themselves. There was this lady that adopted me name Roberta Flapp. She was my aunt. She only took me in because my mother dropped me off on the doorstep and never came back! I believe she took her anger out on me since my mother wasn’t around for her to take her anger out on. I grew up around my cousins since I was the only child. They got praises for being athletes, cheerleaders, etc... I only wanted to focus on academics to take my life the next step further. Throughout that phase, I believe that anger came through me that day my no good ass mother left me on the doorstep and she took off. She made me hate parents for the simple fact that she couldn’t do what was right and keep me. Did she not know how angry and sad that could make a child feel? To hear your mother tell you all of these promises for it to all be some bullshit in the end? No you wouldn’t. Because in your mind,I was with a family with a lot of money. Fuck the money. All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me and be there unconditionally through it all! But instead she left me in a place where I was mentally abused every single day. But you want to say I’m crazy, right? As I continue to lay on this couch listening to the some of the things you think I want to hear, I want you to continue listening to what I have to say! Now where were we? Oh yes, where I was at that young stage in life. That was only a piece of everything I let build up inside of me. At the point, I just had to learn how to deal, take the hit and make it work. I would say I was well off in school especially since school was my safe haven from a place that I called hell which was home. That was my only piece of mind because i felt like school was the only thing that really loved me. Not the people who were there but the love of learning loved me. I told myself that no matter what I would always love to come and learn. During that time in school I got picked on for being different. I only got along with adults. My peers would tell me I was too different. I had soup coolers, too dark, no one would ever want me because of how I looked? I started to believe it because I wanted to be accepted so bad. Who wouldn’t want to be accepted in a world where people were living in a cold harsh environment and no one to talk too? Does this sound someone who is crazy? Or is it because it’s someone who wants revenge. I want people to get what they deserve because those bastards cut me so deep that I’m angry. They don’t know a lot of the words that came from their mouths effected how i felt about myself all of my life. That can fuck with someone’s mind! On top of those feelings, I was fighting with myself on who i really was and what I wanted in life. My emotions were so messed up that I went into a dark place. I found myself cutting and slicing my wrists just so that pain I felt on the inside would disappear. I felt like my purpose was nonexistent. I felt like if i were dead this world would be a better place.  My anger burns deeper than what you think. I used to be very sad and insecure when I was younger and because of that i have no sympathy for anyone in this world because no one showed me any form of sympathy when I was hurting! And you want to sit here and try to make me feel less of a person because I have this much hate for a fucked up country we call America? But I’ll finish this session and we can continue this shit tomorrow. I know if i don’t continue this session I’m liable to be locked up soon! But after those three times I tried to take my own life because of the things i thought about in my head, I tried to overdose on the execedrin in the cabinet in the bathroom. I was unconscious for about 48 Hours. My family was there at the hospital but I knew deep down inside they didn’t give a fuck about me anyway. I never got that affection I felt like a child should have. At this point, I was numb. I went through the counseling sessions and I got better at the moment. But that’s all of the time I have for today. I’ll come back tomorrow!